Looking back on it now, it all seems kind of silly. By letting him introduce the conversation, I knew I would avoid falling into that trap. I’ve alway been keenly aware of the common stereotype among heterosexual couples that women are more eager to “define the relationship,” whereas men dread it. He suggested it might have had something to do with my personality, which is a fair consideration (I’m cautious by nature), but even so, a small part of me knows there was more to it than that. I spoke with him about it recently, wondering aloud if it was weird I was never the one to bring it up. Ultimately, though, I made the decision - conscious or not - that I wanted to let him dictate the terms of this turning point. That’s not to say I didn’t think about asking, especially during our third go-round, because I did. The third time, when we were 22 and started dating again after graduating from college, he asked me what exactly we were doing and I said, “I don’t know, what do you want to be doing?”ĭespite the fact that it ended happily, my recollection of this trajectory makes me cringe a little, because there was a very clear pattern at stake: he asked, I answered. The second time, when we were 16 (and one week into rekindling the flame after a six-month-long break), he asked me if we were officially back together, and I said yes - immediately. The first time, when we were 14, he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, and after a few days of thoughtful teenage consideration, I agreed. He “WHAT ARE WE?” talk (otherwise known as “defining the relationship”) is an infamous rite of passage for couples determining where they stand and what their expectations are going forward. My boyfriend and I have had this conversation a grand total of three times over the course of our 12-year, on-again-off-again relationship.
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